Listen to the Children

In a small shop in Asheville, North Carolina last summer, I found a beautiful little bit of instant revelation. I was looking for new bumper stickers to place on the back of my 1986 VW Westfalia when I found it. Bumper stickers should have a message; therefore, I was excited and encouraged when I found a small sticker which reads, “Listen to the Children.” My entire career in education can be summed up in this small, powerful statement. Another of my stickers reads, “If we don’t change directions, we’ll end up where we’re going.”

Talking with children rather than talking at them is of primary importance when developing a caring relationship. When we initiate honest conversation with children, we may find that they are surprised to discover that we want to know their perceptions, feelings, and beliefs regarding their situation. They are not used to adults taking the necessary time and effort to see the world from their point of view. It’s through the development of appropriate teacher student relationships that teachers are able to develop a self-managed classroom. By recognizing that we are continuously in the process of developing the culture of our classroom, we have taken the first step toward an environment of peace. We must take the necessary time to develop individual caring relationships with each student, especially those who tend to become disruptive. Because we have established a positive relationship during good times, we are able to manage their disruptive behaviors, if they should occur, within the natural context of our environment.  

What it comes down to is the ability of a teacher or caregiver to hear what children are saying through their behavior. All behaviors need to be considered forms of communication. When we hold to this premise, we can discover the feelings and beliefs which often drive disruptive behavior.  As infants, we learn to interact with our environment and communicate through our behaviors. When we were hungry, we cried, and we were fed. When we were tired, we fussed and cried, and we were able to access our crib to rest. Our behaviors have been shaped through our experiences and interaction with our environment.

What do your behaviors communicate to others? When you are agitated with another person, how does your “behavioral language” change? When you are disappointed, when you are angry, when you are happy, when you are anxious, you act in a particular manner that communicates to those who know you best. When we pay attention to children and seek out patterns of behavior, we may become aware that they are trying to tell you something. The question to be asked when children misbehave is: “What is he trying to tell me?” The mistake we have been making for years with disruptive children in the classroom is that we have been asking the wrong question: “Why is he doing that?” How realistic is it to think that the child knows the answer to the “why” questions? In an attempt to discover what drives the behavior, we must get to the root of the behavior. What children believe about themselves is more important than any facts about them.